It’s National Coming Out Day, and it has got me thinking about my status as pseudo-out. I don’t own a Legalize Trans* t-shirt, my name is not attached to this blog, and I do not tell everyone I know that I am transgender. But I have come out to friends who wouldn’t have any idea otherwise, and I have acknowledged it to people who figured it out on their own. I don’t shy away from the subject.
But I struggle still with trying to figure out whether I want to be primarily a man or primarily a trans man. I have come to believe that I can be – that I am – both. When I began my transition, I looked forward to the day that no one would have to know I am trans. I am now not convinced that I want that day to come. I do want to contribute to the activism and positive exposure created by just the act of living out. But I have to admit that I am still afraid of the consequences.
Mostly, I am nervous about attaching my name to this blog. I worry about the day I try to get my first job as an associate, even if at an employment discrimination law firm, and whether or not they will want to hire someone who has put his opinions out there so openly. I worry about the effect it will have on my future clients if, somehow, a jury knows that I am trans. I worry a bit about getting dates and making friends, all that, but I am starting to realize that the friends worth having accept me for who I am, whether they saw me transition, could tell I was trans, found out I was trans, or have no idea. The friends that I enjoy spending time with all treat me as just another guy, no matter what level of awareness they have of my transgender identity.
But aside from that, a part of me strongly wants to be out, to help show the world that trans people are just people.
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